By Holly Reisem Hanna I don't know about you, but I tend to use Amazon on a daily basis. From doing product research and buying gifts to purchasing books for my Kindle, and watching videos and TV shows online. And with Amazon's recent purchase of Whole Foods Market, I'm sure they'll soon be delivering my groceries […]
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Like any good husband, I’d do just about anything for my wife.
That includes indulging in a holiday tradition that would make some folks queasy.
Yes, let’s talk Tofurky.
Every year, before Thanksgiving and Christmas, we forgo a turkey and head to the nearest health food store to pick up one of those golden round orbs of vegan goodness.
But “golden round orbs of vegan goodness” is not exactly how I would have described it at first. In fact, most people would probably have the same reaction I had upon hearing the request to pick up a Tofurky:
One, are you serious? And two, I think we can skip the grocery store this week, because I’ve lost my dang appetite.
I mean, look at that thing. You’re telling me it’s even remotely comparable to a turkey, the legs of which I consider one of my main food groups (along with bacon).
Listen, those are just two thoughts of a closed-minded food zealot too afraid to step out of his comfort zone. When I did, it was an eye-opening experience.
1. “Where do they keep the Tofurky here? Yes, dude, I actually want a Tofurky. I didn’t know judgment was in a stocker’s job description.”
This year in particular, it was difficult to find a Tofurky. According to some posts on the company’s Facebook, they had some production issues.
After calling more than a dozen local grocery stores, I finally found one in a Whole Foods Market. But even though it’s a health food store, I swear that clerk was eyeballing me as I checked out.
(You should also be able to find one at Trader Joe’s.)
2. “This might be the first time I’ve purchased a roast in a box. Now I know how my grandparents felt during the war.”
Since the world is a complete dumpster fire right now, I know one main food staple that will last forever in my bunker.
3. “This thing is round. Like, very round. It looks like the lump of clay before it becomes a pot, but after someone spins it for a while.”
The hardest thing to get over is how a Tofurky looks. I just used my imagination to pretend an 18-pound golden turkey had appeared in front of me.
If you don’t have a good imagination, pretend you’re in the future and this is what food looks like now.
4. “It smells wet. No, not like wet dog. And not necessarily bad. There’s just something… wet about it.”
I honestly don’t know how to expand on this thought any further. You’ll just have to witness it for yourself.
5. “Why does it have to cook in the oven for so long if it’s not real meat? Can’t I just throw it in the microwave?”
You only have to cook a Tofurky for about an hour, which is a lot better than the five-plus hours it can take for a real turkey.
I actually tried to microwave a Tofurky one year, and let’s just say the oven ended up looking like a Jackson Pollock painting.
6. “OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!”
You know, they say it’s what’s on the inside that counts. As for Tofurky, I’m not sure that applies.
When you slice into your first Tofurky, you might be surprised by the, uh, innards that pour out. Don’t’ worry, you didn’t kill the Tofurky, it’s just “stuffing.”
7. “This actually tastes pretty dang good. Pass the gravy and that dirty Grateful Dead poncho, because I think I’m going vegan.”
Seriously, you’ll be totally surprised at how delicious Tofurky actually is. Every bite is a mind-blowing contrast — scooping up a blob of colorless tofu and getting a mouthful of tasty turkey.
It’s not turkey, but it’s definitely turkey-sh. Which leads us to…
8. “How many family members can I trick into thinking it’s turkey if I don’t say anything?”
There’s nothing more satisfying than tricking family members who self-identify as carnivores into eating tofu. Plus it’s way healthier so, you know, you’re just being a good nephew.
9. “We can’t possibly eat this another night in a row, please just let me eat a pile of dust instead. Come on, I’ll grab the vacuum cleaner.”
Since it’s just my wife and I enjoying the Tofurky, we usually have a ton of leftovers. And as good as the initial orb is, there comes a breaking point after the third iteration of leftovers where I would rather eat a ball of wax than another slice of the stuff.
10. “When are they going to make a seitanurky? That’s the really good fake meat.”
Hail, seitan. Right?
Alex Mahadevan is a data journalist at The Penny Hoarder. He takes his Tofurky wrapped in bacon and smothered in sausage gravy. Don’t judge.
This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.
You’re familiar with PayPal. Heck, there’s a good chance you’ve used it if you’ve ever bought anything online. After all, the huge digital-payments platform has nearly 220 million active users, according to the Wall Street Journal
With PayPal, you can send or receive money in 25 different currencies. You can buy a blender on eBay, a DVD on Amazon or homemade soap on Etsy.
Now PayPal is adding a new service.
It wants to help you invest.
It’s teaming up with Acorns, the popular smartphone app that invests your spare change for you. Once you connect the app to a debit or credit card, it rounds up your purchases to the nearest dollar and funnels your digital change into an investment account.
Beginning in early 2018, PayPal is adding the ability to put money from your PayPal account into Acorns’ low-cost, automatic investing portfolios. You’ll be able to set up an Acorns account directly from PayPal.
When you log on to your PayPal account, you’ll be able to go to your Acorns account right from PayPal’s home screen. You’ll be able to transfer funds, monitor your investments, make withdrawals and manage your account from PayPal’s website and mobile app.
Why is PayPal doing this?
It wants to help its users save more easily and create long-term financial plans. “This gives you an even easier way to save and invest money to lead healthier financial lives,” the company said when it announced the move.
Also, it doesn’t hurt that PayPal has invested tens of millions of dollars into Acorns and partly owns it now.
Acorns, which has 2.4 million users, is one of a series of competing robo-investing apps — like Stash, Clink or Betterment — that are geared toward millennials who want a simple savings and investment account they can operate from their phones.
In fact, CNBC calls Acorns “the new millennial investing strategy.”
You can have Acorns automatically round up all your purchases and invest the digital change, or you can manually round up only certain kinds of transactions. Because the money comes out in increments of less than $1, you’re less likely to feel an impact in your bank account.
For an account with a balance below $5,000, Acorns’ monthly fee is $1 plus 0.5%.
Where does Acorns invest your money?
You’ll answer a few questions on the app to create a financial profile. Acorns uses that to build your investment portfolio, which ranges from a “conservative” mix of government bonds to an “aggressive” mix of stocks.
Mike Brassfield (mike@thepennyhoarder.com) is a senior writer at The Penny Hoarder. He needs to store up more acorns for winter.
This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.
